My husband and I just had another disappointing month in our fertility quest, and this time we really thought we had it: I was 4 days “late,” and had a bunch of possible early pregnancy symptoms. I was planning the nursery in my head already. You can imagine what an incredible disappointment it was to get the call on Monday saying my test was negative. Not a little negative, either; profoundly negative.
The thing is, I am not sure how many more times I can put my body, mind and emotions through this wringer again. This month, everything was perfect – my labs, my womb, my eggs, the swimmers – all indicated perfect conditions for conception. But no dice. And I tell ya, it stinks.
The first round of fertility drugs we tried was good ol’ Clomid. Clomid is a pill, and widely prescribed by General Practitioners, with no monitoring by blood or ultrasound. For some people, Clomid works. In fact for some people, it results in multiples. Not in my case. I was under monitoring, and it was quickly evident that Clomid was not going to work for me. I guess I am glad I didn’t waste months and months taking Clomid before moving on to another medication. (That’s the advantage of using a fertility specialist, although it also means our cost is higher.) Since I was being monitored, the MD was able to tell that the drug was not stimulating my system in any way that would lead to increased fertility. But Clomid does have lovely side effects such as bloating, hot flashes, nausea, and pelvic pain, all of which I was unlucky enough to experience.
So since the Clomid failed, my MD upped the ante and put me on injectibles. Now like most people, I am underfond of needles, but I spoke to myself in a firm voice and reminded myself that needles to the booty were nothing compared with labor and delivery. I sucked it up. And I received a shot a day (1.5 inch needle) for 9 days. My mom gave me the shots, and they actually weren’t too bad, although she would describe my sucking up as whining and being a huge baby! Of course, Repronex (the new drug) has the same lovely side effects as Clomid, plus weight gain. Grrr. After working hard to lose weight for a year, I am given an additional obstacle to wrestle with. Anyway, the doc kept increasing the dose, because my body was a little slow to respond. That month (August) I had one really promising follicle, and a few maybes, but I knew before we reached the pg test that we had not been successful. That was very sad, but after all it was the first cycle with this drug, so we decided to roll again.
Sidenote: These medications are very, very expensive. I will not discuss exactly how much of our limited income we are pouring into this endeavor, but suffice it to say that a big factor in deciding how much longer we are going to try is simple finances!
The doc decided we needed to up the ante yet again, so this time she increased my dose a lot, and she told me that I could no longer have the luxury of receiving the shots in my very ample behind. Apparently the medication was not getting deep enough into the muscle, so the new POA was to take the shots in my THIGHS. And not once a day, no, now I had to take them twice a day. So to the previous list of side effects let us attach this small addition: PAIN!!!!!!
Shots in the thigh (with a 1½ inch needle) HURT! And even on the occasions when it luckily hit the right spot, and wasn’t too bad, then the muscle hurts afterwards. And 24 hours later, you give the same leg, same muscle, another shot. This goes on for 9 days, people. There was one particular shot (it was only the 2nd one of the series) that gave me a Charlie horse in that muscle for 2 days. I am not exaggerating, it was hard to walk. I sat in my office at work with an ice pack on it and avoided getting out of my chair at all costs. None of the others were quite that bad (I think we hit a nerve on that particular one), but my entire thigh muscles were sore for 2 weeks.
The only consolation to this suffering was the news that the meds seemed to be working, and this month I had 5 promising follicles, which means I should be pregnant, right? Well, I’m not, and the doc has already told me that if we roll again she is upping my dose, again, so the twice-a-day-in-the-thighs will recur, with a thicker solution.
Which is why I say fertility meds stink. I have regained 12 of my hard-lost 67 pounds, and although I don’t blame the meds entirely (nor the stress this process creates, although it is surely contributory), they certainly aren’t helping. I do think we will try at least 1 more time before pursuing the adoption path, but we are going to take a couple of months off first, and try to recover a bit (financially, emotionally, physically). I just hope I am not one of those folks who fails, fails, fails, then ends up with Quintuplets! Talk about pain!
